So, have you heard there was supposed to be a second civil war today?
Over the past few years, America’s crazy uncle, Alex Jones, has become a household name. As the host of the completely stable, and definitely not batshit insane internet show “InfoWars,” Jones has concocted some pretty over-the-top conspiracy theories. His ranting range from the utterly asinine, like how juice boxes “encourage homosexuality” in children, or how the government is poisoning the water to create gay frogs; to deplorably offensive theories, like how the tragic shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School was just a big hoax to try to take our guns away.
Earlier this week, Alex Jones started pushing another one of his crazy ideas: The Democrats are plotting to launch a second civil war on July 4th, 2018! Completely insane, right? — Or is it?
BREAKING: Democrats Plan To Launch Civil War On July 4th https://t.co/38AWiUFaag
— Alex Jones (@RealAlexJones) July 1, 2018
The moment Alex broke this news to the unsuspecting country, Democrats across the nation began their mobilization efforts by spreading the hashtag #SecondCivilWar. The crazed Democrats were immediately beginning to communicate about logistical concerns, including where to meet, and who was bringing food.
Is this #SecondCivilWar happening on east coast or west coast time?
Also, I feel fat in my fatigues.
— andy lassner (@andylassner) July 4, 2018
Day 1 of #SecondCivilWar. I have prepared 10 pounds of potato salad. Concerned the popsicles may melt as we march, tho.
— Joyce Alene (@JoyceWhiteVance) July 4, 2018
As the Democrat mobilization effort began to form into an unstoppable machine, it seemed that Alex Jones might have finally made a prediction that has some modicum of merit. Finally, the vast sea of naysayers who dismiss Alex Jones as a mouth-breathing, tinfoil-hat lunatic would be eating their words. On the evening of July 3rd, it was clear that the day of reckoning was at hand — The Second Civil War was upon us all!
Disappointingly however, as dark gave way to dawn on the morning of July 4th, it seemed that Alex Jones was nowhere to be found! Enthusiastic would-be soldiers are speaking out across Twitter, furious that this landmark day seems it will not be coming to fruition.
It’s almost 2am and still waiting for the #SecondCivilWar to begin. How much longer?
— Olga Lautman (@olgaNYC1211) July 4, 2018
— Bryan Behar (@bryanbehar) July 4, 2018
I overslept. Did I miss the #SecondCivilWar? Sorry.
— Ida Fogle (@damari19) July 4, 2018
As surely his current and former lovers can relate, Alex Jones’s most recent conspiracy was nothing more than a whole lot of convincing talk which led up to a rapid, disappointing lack of climax.
In response to this, Hillary Clinton — the actual witch and commander of the Democrat Armies of the Second Civil War — has issued a warrant for the arrest of the ignominious radio host (Google it, there’s no shame). One does not just let the cat out of the bag on a secret of this magnitude, and then fail to show up for the action. Millions upon millions of Democrats were keeping this secret, just to be forced into premature mobilization due to the words of a reckless madman. For this, the commander believes, he must be brought to tribunal!