BREAKING: Trump Changes SCOTUS Nominee Shortlist

Although President Trump already announced his original shortlist for potential SCOTUS nominees, it seems that he has had a sudden and very drastic change of heart about the matter.  His original shortlist has been completely taken off the table and replaced with some very bizarre choices.

This morning, the President issued a Formal White House Press Release (without using Twitter, no less!) detailing his short list of candidates for the new replacement for Justice Anthony Kennedy.  You can read the full statement below:

White House – Oval Office
Washington, D.C.


9:31 AM EDT

This morning, I would like to update the American people as to the status of my choice for who will be nominated to be appointed to the Supreme Court of the United States of America (SCOTUS).


As you know, this decision is one of the most important ones that a President can make, as it affects national policies for decades beyond the President’s term.  It is for this reason that I have chosen to completely change my list of final candidates for nomination.  I have come up with three alternative choices to replace the list that was originally announced this morning, and I should come to a final decision before the end of this week.


To offer complete transparency in the nomination process, I have provided the names and some short commentary on each person detailed below:


Candidate #1 – Theodore Anthony Nugent


Theodore is a wonderful and level-headed person with a passionately conservative philosophy.  He is already a well-known public figure in the music industry, and has a very large following.  So, everyone already loves him.  He’s lovingly known by his fellow Michiganians as the “Motor City Madman.”  To add to his delightful charisma, he is a champion of civil rights when it comes to common sense gun control.

I believe that, if chosen for nomination, Mr. Nugent will serve SCOTUS with the same degree of stoic dignity he demonstrates when he so passionately fights for the right to open carry belt-fed machine guns through the streets of Detroit.

Candidate #2 – Joseph Michael Arpaio

Joe is no stranger to the American justice system, as he served as the Sheriff of Maricopa County, Arizona for 24 long years. As Sheriff, Joe was able to lead the nation in a county-level crackdown on illegal immigration.  Since illegal immigration is such a large part of my administration’s efforts, I believe it would be advantageous to have a nominee who aims to take on the scourge of savage rapists and drug dealers crossing our border.

Although Joe has never served as a judge, I know he would do well.  I know this because he already outsmarted one Federal judge at his own game.  After Joe tried to use his County Sheriff deputies to enforce Federal Law, some fake liberal judge tried throwing around big legal words like, “jurisdiction” and “cease and desist.”

But Joe knew better — You can’t get convicted of contempt of court with a Presidential Pardon.  That’s why Joe’s record is as clean as a whistle right now.

Candidate #3 – Donald John Trump

I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before.  If there’s one person who I believe would carry out the duties of Supreme Court Justice better than anyone, it’s me.  I’ve dealt with a lot of blow-hard judges in my time, so I really know their game. This is not even to mention that I basically served as a judge during my tenure on the highly successful television show, “The Apprentice.”

After careful consideration, I have determined that I could easily carry out the duties of the President of the United states while also serving on SCOTUS simultaneously.  I mean, they really don’t work very much — and when they do, it’s pretty much just to give a “yes” or “no” on the latest controversy drummed up by the fake liberal news media.

Appointing myself as a SCOTUS Justice would be the most brilliant step taken by any president, probably ever.  Instead of being bound to the limits of power put on the Executive Branch, I would be appointed to the Judicial Branch at the same time!  It’s really a very genius idea.  After that, all I would really have to do is get elected Senator in New York, D.C., or Florida, and I would have all of the power of all three branches of our government.  These limitations put on the President are very frustrating, after all, and only serve to impede my goal to —


Donald John Trump
President of the United States of America

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