What is believed to be a draft of Donald Trump’s forthcoming Independence Day address has been leaked the day before it was to be heard on the world stage. However, in true Trump fashion, the July 4th speech is rather alarming for a few reasons — not the least of which being its lack of historical accuracy, logical flow of thoughts, and general grasp on English vocabulary.
Just … read it …
July 4th Speech
[Wait for applause]
[Keep waiting for applause, because so many people love me]
My fellow Americans. Today. Is our. Independence Day! You see, I always wanted to say that. I always knew I would say it better than that “Boring” Bill Pullman!
[Sip water with both hands so the bottle doesn’t slip]
Today is a very special day. July 4th is the one day in the year where we gather around the grill and celebrate! Everyone knows what we’re celebrating, right? That’s right! We’re celebrating the day we stood up in the face of our enemies and said, “Enough is enough!” It was the day we forged the spirit of American determination for justice that still lives to this day!
It was the day we drafted a very special declaration, and told those Natives ONCE AND FOR ALL: “This is our land!”
[Wait for more applause]
The “previous administrations” would never tell you this, but that’s really something to be proud of. You see, I love history. I’m kind of a history guy. I read those history books better than anyone you’ve met, and I am proud of our heritage. We fought for this land fair and square; and against all odds, we pushed those Natives back across the southern border where they came from.
The southern border. Oh boy, that’s a topic the “fake news” media is really trying to attack me for, right? They just keep on crying and whining about the illegal criminals being “mistreated” at the border. But you know better than that, don’t you? I know you do. You know that you finally have a president who will hold true to our forefathers’ values and “Make America Great Again!”
Just like one of the signers of the constitution, Andrew Johnson, I am a president who will make sure we secure what is rightfully ours. A country without borders is no country at all! And a border without a wall can just be crossed by any Joe Blow who tries! Or maybe now it’s “Jose Blow.”
[Wait for applause]
But we’ll keep moving forward with our immigration policies because it’s the right thing to do. The lying media will try to tell you all of these sob stories about crying children, but don’t believe them, folks. They only care about one thing: Ratings. Crying children are just ratings, people. That’s all it is.
And speaking of crying children — They’re also trying to convince everyone that my former employee, and FAILING lawyer Michael Cohen is going to roll over on me. No, he won’t do that. He knows what’s best for him. No collusion. No collusion.
So while the Fake Liberal Media tries to brainwash their viewers about the No Collusion, fake Russia investigation, I’ll be continuing to work hard to keep my campaign promises like I always have. I mean, it’s ludicrous to believe that I would collude with the Russian government. Maybe Lying Hillary colluded with Russia, but not me!
[Wait for applause again. Hopefully the applause isn’t too long because I have more things to do]
Now, unfortunately, I have to keep this speech short because I have a very important meeting with my friend, Vladimir Putin. I’m looking forward to continuing a long, fruitful relationship with Mr. Putin. Isn’t that so much better than fighting? We don’t have to be enemies, right? I mean, the left wants to slander Putin’s name while Canada is our real enemy. They’re just bending us over on trade deals. Am I right?
Before I get off the stage and head to my meeting with Vlad, I just want to leave you with one simple message: Enjoy this July 4th! Take in the beautiful American sun! Crack open a cold beer, and enjoy the grilled steaks, burgers, and hot dogs like I know you want to! We have earned it, folks!
Even though we spent eight long years forgetting about American pride, you can enjoy this day in peace, because I am here now. I will always fight for America. Just like our forefathers did on July 4th, 1774!
God bless you. God bless my family. And god bless the United States of America!
Ideally, we would like to highlight the pros and cons of this speech. However, our editorial team was unable to identify anything positive, interesting, or even historically or grammatically factual about this speech. Hopefully, this makes it to a proofreader prior to the delivery on the morning of July 4th.
In any case, Donald Trump seems poised to deliver one message to the world this Wednesday: No amount of dissent, protest, condemnation, or logic will shake Donald Trump from his extreme agenda.