Broken, Scott Pruitt Still Determined to Destroy Environment

Scott Pruitt

Although the content of Scott Pruitt’s borderline homoerotic resignation letter spoke volumes on its own merit; it’s become clear that the American people were not aware of the extent of Pruitt’s infatuation with Donald Trump and his extreme agenda.

At approximately 2:35AM EDT on July 6th, the Washington DC Metro Police and Fire Departments responded to the Pruitt residence due to reports of a fire and a shirtless man standing on his roof yelling.  Upon arrival, the man was identified as Former EPA Director Scott Pruitt.

First responders described a very chaotic scene.

The DC Metro Police immediately began trying to negotiate with Pruitt, who — wearing only his business slacks, and a red bandana — was standing on his roof emptying dozens of cans aerosol hairspray into the sky screaming, “Take that you damn liberals! How’s your precious ozone layer holding up now?!”

The fire department immediately began to extinguish several tire fires Pruitt had ignited on his front lawn prior to scaling his roof.  When the police asked him what the problem was, he began ranting about his recent resignation.

In a bodycam audio file obtained from an anonymous source, Pruitt can be heard saying, “I had one job! Carrying out Donald Trump’s noble edicts was the greatest honor of my life, and now it’s ruined!  My only job was to destroy the EPA, and you people took it from me!  Well, I may not be part of the cabinet anymore, but I can still can still do my part to help the President’s perfect plan. ONE CLOROFLUOROCARBON AT A TIME, BABY! WOOOOO!!!”

Neighbors of Pruitt reported to the police that he had just purchased dozens of old diesel pickup trucks for everyone in the neighborhood, handing over the titles with notes reading, “Anything over 4 miles per gallon is un-American!”

Luckily, approximately 30 minutes into the encounter, Pruitt seemed to become exhausted and came down from the roof willingly.  Onlookers reported that as soon as he got to ground level, he curled up on the grass crying like a milk drunk toddler.  One neighbor could make out his words, “Oh, Donald!  I’ll never be by your side again.  I’ve brought shame to your legacy.”

Curiously, Pruitt was not apprehended by the police after the incident.  Instead, he was last seen being escorted back into his home by his wife, wrapped in a blanket and sobbing.

When asked why Pruitt was not arrested, DC Metro Police Captain Brooks Avery stated, “Believe it or not, he didn’t really commit much of a crime here.  He destroyed his own property, and bought a bunch of cars for people.  He was certainly disturbing the peace, but people like him do these things for attention, and he’s already had more than his fair share of that.”

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