Stocks for Batshit Crash After Alex Jones Banned From Internet

Alex Jones Banned

The global market for batshit took a massive hit Monday as numerous large internet platforms banned content from batshit tycoon Alex Jones and his infamous show InfoWars.

A YouTube spokesman commented on the decision,

“We had to take an aggressive stance against this monopoly that Alex Jones was forming.  Batshit used to be evenly dispersed across the internet so that users could choose from any number of sources to get their fill.” the spokesman explained, “But the immense magnitude of Alex Jones’ brand of batshit, InfoWars, has put virtually every other small batshit entrepreneur out of business. We did this to help create an even playing field.”

It remains unclear why government antitrust watchdogs have not taken their own action against InforWars’ batshit monopoly.  Some suspect that it’s because much of Alex Jones’ batshit stories are in direct support of Donald Trump’s administration.

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Apple CEO Tim Cook explained, “We had to ban him and his company from using the iTunes podcast platform. It’s not that we’re intolerant of diverse views. We just could not allow one single show to dominate our ‘batshit conspiracy theories’ genre.  We want our users, even the batshit ones, to have variety on our platform.”

In light of this news, the U.S. Surgeon General has warned that many Americans can expect to experience symptoms of batshit withdrawal, which may include:

  • Sweating
  • Excessive sniveling
  • Compulsive purchase of tinfoil
  • Inability to stop refreshing the InfoWars YouTube page

Health experts insist that if you are experiencing any or all of these symptoms, that the condition is harmless, although unpleasant.  Getting fresh air, and reading a good book should help speed along recovery.

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