Trump Gives Aid to Border Immigrants

John Kelly and Trump talk about border immigrants

There has been deep controversy over the past few months with regard to the separation of children from their families as they’re caught illegally attempting to cross the border from Mexico into the United States.  Contrary to how the situation may seem, we have just learned that these unprecedented policies being enforced by immigration officials are actually part of a plan Trump enacted which — in his mind, at least — gives aid to border immigrants.

In a closed-door, one-on-one meeting with his Chief of Staff, President Trump laid out his plan to provide “humanitarian aid” to these border immigrants.  According to an anonymous leak from someone who attended the meeting, Trump began by informing his staffers that he wanted to win the hearts and minds of immigrants to try to chip away at the largely Democrat-held vote of the Latino population.

“The Democrats are killing us in the Latino vote, and we really need to get a piece of that action.” He explained, “So, I want to show some compassion to all the illegals jumping our borders.  I have put together a humanitarian aid plan which will tackle this from two angles.”

White House Chief of Staff John Kelly interrupted, “Mr. President, that sounds a bit contradictory to everything you’ve been telling your base about border immigrants until this point.”

With a shocked look, Trump replied, “What did you just call me, John?  I call the shots here, okay?  Look, I’m not asking for your permission.  I am asking for you to hear my plan and help me execute it.”

After a dumbfound pause, Kelly sighed, and abandoned his point to ask the President for more details.

Trump went on to explain, “Look, I think if we extend an avocado branch to the border jumpers, it will pay off in the elections.  I was doing some research on the different organizations we have running our immigration system, and I found out we have an entire agency called ICE.”

Kelly interjected again, “Yes, sir.  ICE has been around since the early Bush years.”

“Well, why don’t we finally use them?” Trump asked, leaving Kelly puzzled. “I mean, it’s the middle of the summer.  I know if I was walking through the desert for two thousand miles with my family, I would really appreciate some ice.  Let’s give it to ’em!  I want to deploy — ”

Trump was abruptly interrupted by Kelly, who appeared irritated, “Sir, that is not what ICE is for. I think you’re mistaken.  ICE is the –”

Trump snapped back, “Wrong!  I know what ice is, John.  You’re just trying to peddle fake news into this meeting.  I am a very high-IQ individual, and I think as President of the United States, I can make simple decisions regarding who we give ice to, okay?  Now, please let me finish.”  He went on to explain, “We will deploy thousands of ICE agents to greet these border jumpers as soon as they’re caught crossing, and they’ll hand out free ice.  They’ll love it.  But that’s not the best part!”

John Kelly lowered his head into his hand to rub the bridge of his nose, bracing himself for the cringe-worthy idea that would surely follow.

“I put myself in the border jumpers’ shoes.” Trump went on to explain, “Not literally, of course, that’s gross, and my feet are far too large for their shoes. I have the biggest feet.  No, I thought to myself, ‘what would I want if I was a border jumper?’ — then it hit me.  The kids! Kids don’t want to be with their parents.  And parents hate their kids!  I know when I was growing up, my father constantly told me how much he was ashamed of me, and I wanted nothing more than to escape from him.”

Kelly interjected again, “What the –”

“Shut up, John!” Trump immediately interrupted, “You see? We’ll just give them what they want.  As soon as they get to the border, they will be greeted by ICE agents.  That will put a smile on their faces. Then, those ICE agents will take the adults in for processing, and ship the children off to another location far away from them!  It’s a perfect plan.  We get to enforce immigration, and we make the Latino border hoppers happy at the same time! Oh, boy that’ll piss off Nancy Pelosi, don’t you think?”

Kelly responded, “Well, yes, that will absolutely piss off Nancy Pelosi.  However, I think you have a few things to consider about this aid plan for the border immigrants, Mr. President.”

“No, John,” Trump snapped, “I already did all the considering.  I consider things better than anyone.  I am the considerer, not you.  I just need you to help me carry out what I have already considered.”

Resigned to the futility of reason, Kelly replied, “Okay, sir.  Sounds like a solid plan.  I will contact the Secretary of Homeland Security.”

Trump smiled and replied, “That’s better, Johnny boy.  I was starting to question your loyalty for a minute. I can say this because we’re the only two in the room — This is why you’re my favorite, John.  You always remember who signs your paycheck.”

If the detailed transcript from this anonymous leaker is true, then this entire humanitarian crisis at the border actually originated from a well-intended (albeit colossally misinformed) attempt to provide aid to border immigrants.  Is it possible that Trump is not the white-nationalist sympathizer that the left seems to think he is?  Could it be possible that his vast sea of follies actually stem from kind-hearted ideas which are eclipsed by a woeful lack of knowledge, planning, and leadership?  You decide.

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