Trump Grants Putin CIA Clearance


All eyes were on Helsinki Monday morning as the world awaited President Trump and Vladimir Putin to meet behind closed doors.  After the meeting, President Trump spoke with reporters and announced that he had granted a CIA-level security clearance to Vladimir Putin for what he claims is “good-faith intelligence sharing.”

President Trump explained to reporters, “One of my main goals is to build a friendship with Russia.  Vladimir Putin has worked in the intelligence field for almost his entire life.  So, he obviously knows how to handle sensitive CIA data.  To open channels of good-faith intelligence sharing between our countries, I have granted Vlad the same level of access the CIA has to U.S. intelligence.”

A reporter clarified, “Mr. President, just to be clear, you mean you’re sharing some very specific pieces of information with Russia, correct?”

“Well yes, very specifically, Vlad will have access to everything we know.  See, that’s what it means to be friends.  We don’t keep secrets from each other.  Trust me, folks.  Vlad knows intelligence.  He was in his country’s version of the CIA for decades before he was president. It’ll be just fine.”

CNN’s Jim Acosta spoke up, “Mr. President, don’t you think it’s unwise to grant an enemy access to the intelligence we use to keep that very same enemy at bay?”

Trump quickly pointed at Acosta, “You are fake news! I think it’s unwise to be a fake journalist.  Does anyone else have any questions?”

A Fox News journalist then spoke up, “This is a valiant move, Mr. President! As always, you’re willing to take the bravest of actions to protect the interests of the United States of America.  I have no question for you.  I would never question your judgement.  I just wanted to tell you how much I admire this decision, and for that matter, just generally being in your proximity.”

Trump straightened his back and smiled, “See Jim?  You could learn a thing or two from Fox News.  That is an example of perfect journalism.  Someone get that man a Pulitzer!”

NewsWerthy will provide updates as information becomes available, but as of publishing, the White House has yet to respond to a request for comment.

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