Paul Ryan Appoints Professional Excuse Writer

Paul Ryan and Excuse Writer Randle McMurphy

After his press conference Thursday, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan has appointed a new position to his staff — Chief Excuse Writer.  This comes after Speaker Ryan endured heavy criticism for claiming that President Trump was “new to politics” and “still learning” to excuse his alleged actions as described by Former FBI Director James Comey.

To announce, and clarify this appointment, Speaker Ryan released the following statement to the press:

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“My Fellow Americans,

Good afternoon.  As Speaker of the House of Representatives, I would like to announce that I have appointed a new position to my office’s staff.  Effective at 8AM tomorrow, June 10th, 2017, Randle McMurphy will assume his new role as the House Chief Excuse Writer.  Mr. McMurphy has an extensive background in public relations, and I have no doubt that he will prove invaluable to me and the Republican Party in this volatile political climate.

Since this is a new position in the House of Representatives, I would like to justify the need for such a staff-member:

As the first glimmer of sanity in the presidential line of succession, I believe it is my responsibility to defend the President of the United States when defense is needed.  Beginning when President Trump was elected in November of 2016, I have worked diligently to do just that.  In fact, much of my time has been consumed by speaking with the media to explain the bizarre actions of the President.  While this is something I typically have no problem doing, the President’s actions have caused me to need to focus on excuse-making at rapidly increasing rate.  My primary job is to represent the people of Wisconsin in the House of Representatives, and to preside over the House as Speaker.  When another task prevents me from having time for those essential duties, I simply must delegate that task.

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In addition to Mr. McMurphy taking on what has become one of my full-time jobs, he is also better suited for this particular task.  Constantly coming up with new, fresh, original excuses is not my strong-suit.  Randle McMurphy’s expertise in his role as Excuse Writer will enable me to provide the media and the American People with strong, believable defenses for the actions of President Trump, no matter how rapidly he causes them to be needed.

We look forward to welcoming Mr. McMurphy to the House, and we anticipate that he will be a great asset to the government of the United States of America

Thank you,

Rep. Paul D. Ryan (R-WI)
Speaker of the House of Representatives
United States of America”

Speaker Ryan has not responded to any further requests for comment about the new Chief Excuse Writer, short of this press release.  However, it is a safe assumption that the American people will be hearing from McMurphy within the next 24 hours.  Newswerthy will be following the results of his appointment closely.

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