WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an event dubbed Twittergate, Elon Musk released shocking internal documents detailing how Biden’s 2020 campaign team, along with the DNC, worked with Twitter to silence circulation of negative news pieces related to Joe’s son Hunter Biden.
After this apparent salvo from the new Twitter CEO, Biden called upon rap legend Marshall Mathers — Known better as “Eminem” — to assist in preparing a response.
The White House released a transcript of the call, shown below:
BIDEN: “Yes, Mr. Mathers. This is President Biden.”
EMINEM: “Who?”
BIDEN: “This is the President. Your nation needs you, son.”
EMINEM: “… dawg, it’s like 7am. Are you for real?”
BIDEN: “Sorry I disturbed your dog so early Mr. Mathers, but I was wondering if you could assist me with a problem I need to handle.”
EMINEM: “No not my dog, I mean … man fuck it. What did you need? And you can just call me Eminem, it’s fine”
BIDEN: “Oh, I like M&M’s too! Anyway, Elon Musk made a lot of Tweets about my son, and I’m told that you have some experience crafting responses to people who tweet about your children?”
EMINEM: “Well I mean like, Machine Gun Kelly said some shit about my daughter Hailie and like —“ (Biden interrupts)
BIDEN: “My Press Secretary says to tell you ‘Elon is looking for smoke’ … hopefully you know what that means.”
EMINEM: “Yeah I saw the news. This isn’t really the same kind of thing. Bruh. I’m confused. What are you asking me for exactly?”
BIDEN: “My Press Secretary says to tell you ‘Elon is tripping if he thinks he can keep letting off on my offspring’ … does this make sense?”
EMINEM: “Did you just say ‘Tripping’? … Also, those are my lyrics. Wait, are you asking me to write for you?”
BIDEN: “Hey, it’s my understanding that you’re the best when it comes to writing disrespectful songs — especially after they get your children involved.”
EMINEM: “Yo, I just want to be crystal fuckin clear. You want me to write a diss track for you to get back at Elon Musk?”
BIDEN: “Um, my Press Secretary says that is an accurate assessment.”
EMINEM: “Right but like, Kelly was a rapper who said some shit about Hailie. This is you trying to attack real-life Lex Luthor because your son like hookers and blow.”
BIDEN: “Listen. M&M’s. I just need him to stop. It’s my understanding that you wrote a song about Mr. Kelly, and within a week he was a punk rock artist dressed in pink.”
EMINEM: “I don’t think—“ (Biden interrupts)
BIDEN: “I want to see Elon Musk dressed in pink.”
EMINEM: “Dawg, I get it, but I don’t think this works that way.”
BIDEN: “I’m sorry to keep upsetting your dog.”
EMINEM: “Jesus Christ. I don’t have a d— Man, nevermind. I’m just saying, I don’t think this is a good idea.”
BIDEN: “But he brought my kids into it. You know that’s not right. You’re the best at this Mr. M&M’s. Can you help me, uhh, where’s my notes? … oh right. ‘Supply smoke’?”
EMINEM: “Yo, you’re like 80. I’m not the guy for this. I wish you luck, but this isn’t happening. Maybe hit up some other rappers. Just probably not Ye”
BIDEN: “Sorry you cut out. Did you say ‘not yay?’”
EMINEM: “Yeah, Ye! Kanye West.”
BIDEN: “Who?”
EMINEM: “Black Trump”
BIDEN: “Ohhhhh, yes of course. We crossed him off our list a while back. Thanks for your time, and please tell your dog I’m sorry for disturbing him.”
EMINEM: “Yo, it’s too early for this shit. I need weed.”
BIDEN: “Thank you for your time, Mr. M&M’s. And if you change your mind —“ (audible click) “— Hello? M&M’s? Mr. Mathers?” (Speaks to assistant) “Did we run out of minutes?”