WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today Joe Biden signed the Respect for Marriage Act into law.
Although the historic bill designed to protect same-sex marriage was met with a surprising level of bipartisan support, not all Republican lawmakers were supportive.
In a press conference Tuesday, the bill’s co-sponsor, Senator Susan Collins (R – ME) stated, “I’m a bit surprised by some of my Republican colleagues voting against it. Very surprised, actually.”
Collins paused awkwardly and turned toward Senator Lindsey Graham (R – SC) for a moment, who was busy on his iPhone choosing the perfect filter for his Instagram selfie.
After shaking her head briefly in what appeared to be mild confusion, Collins continued to address the press.
“I mean, there’s some Republican senators,” Collins explained, looking directly at the cameras but gesturing her head and darting her eyes toward Lindsey Graham, “who I truly believed would find this bill … Um. Relatable.”
Senator Graham took notice, and appeared defiant as he sat on stage in a chair with his legs crossed, examining his nails, and rolling his eyes.
Collins restated for the press, “It’s 2022, and it’s time we accept gay Americans at the federal level.”
Turning directly toward Senator Graham who became visibly anxious, Collins raised her voice a bit, “ALL. Americans. No matter where they’re from.” She said, ending with a long pause, “You know … Like even, ohh say … SOUTH CAROLINA! Hypothetically.”
Lindsey Graham, seeming to deliberately avoid eye contact with Collins, promptly stood up, blushing.
After taking a deep breath to center himself, Graham approached the microphones, placed one hand on his hip, and stated, “Girl, we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree on this one. I just can’t even right now!”
This was Graham’s only statement in opposition to the bill before he snapped his fingers, flipped his palm in the air, and elegantly walked off the stage.
“I mean,” Collins stated, almost speechless, “I can’t be the only one who sees it, right?”
We reached out to Senator Graham’s office about this awkward exchange, but we were advised that he was not immediately available for comment, as he was decompressing from the day with a lavender-vanilla facial mask, an Appletini, and a few episodes of Say Yes to the Dress.